Everything She Wanted
by soprano193
Summary: She has everything she ever wanted. So why is she so sad?


Cal watched from the doorway as Gillian held Makenna close to her chest. It was a sight that should warm his heart. Instead, he approached it with uncertainty. Because he could see the agony and guilt in her features, the tears that she refused to let fall, and he knew that today hadn't been an easy day for her. "What can I do for you, luv?"

Her head snapped up, noticing him standing there for the first time. "Can you take her? Please?"

He moved forward, lifting their daughter from her arms and holding her close to his own chest, smiling slightly when she offered up a content sigh. "Hey, cupcake." He crooned to her. He never thought they would have this again. They had adopted two children from foster care and moved on with their lives. They hadn't even been trying for another when Makenna decided to grace them with her presence. Their daughter they had adopted young, but not quite this young. Their son was five when he came to them. Cal had been excited to see Gillian interact with a baby all their own, one created from their love for each other.

He hadn't expected what followed, the epic battle with postpartum depression. From the moment that little girl was placed in her arms, she was unable to connect, and weepy. Nothing dangerous, just disconcerting, and very unlike the mothering woman she had really always been. Cal crawled into bed next to her, leaning over to press a gentle kiss to her forehead. "How did things go today?"

She sighed. "I let her cry. She screamed and screamed and I just didn't know what to do." He could see the tears welling in her blue eyes, watched her fight them back. "Derek sat outside of her crib and talked to her until she calmed down." She closed her eyes then, leaning her head against the headboard. "Cal, I couldn't even bring myself to pick her up, and our son calmed her down. Our son is more attentive than I am."

He brushed her cheek with his hand. "You know, it's okay to cry."

As if on cue, the first tear rolled down her cheek. "I don't want to. The meds should be helping, right? I shouldn't want to cry."

He shook his head. "You know better than I do, the meds can take some time to kick in." She leaned her head on his shoulder, opening her eyes and allowing the tears to fall freely. "Just don't be afraid to ask for whatever it is you need. I'm in this with you."

"I know." She whispered from his shoulder. They were silent, watching the little one sleep, and she reached out to caress Makenna's tiny foot. "It's so stupid." She started, sniffing, wiping her eyes. "This is all I wanted. I never thought I could have it. And yes, we have Jaime and Derek, and I love them so much, but all I wanted was a daughter of my own. She is my own perfect little miracle. And I'm just so…" She gestured in the air, trying to find a word she liked, anything other than depressed. She hated that word. "distraught."

He rested his head against hers. "It happens, and there is nothing wrong with you. I'd be the first to tell you if there was." She chuckled slightly at that, wrapping her blanket around her shoulders. He looked down at their daughter. "What do you think she'll be like?"

He could feel her smile against his shoulder. "A doctor. Brilliant, compassionate, tough, but staying as far away from the field of psychology as possible. She'll get it enough at home."

He laughed, stopping only when Makenna stirred in his arms. "I think she'll be a world famous pastry chef, the next cake boss."

"Why?"

He grinned. "You tell me. What was the only thing you ever craved during the pregnancy?"

She laughed. "Cupcakes. Lots and lots of cupcakes." Hence her nickname, his little cupcake.

"That will make Mum happy, cupcake. Cake is the key to your Mum's heart." He whispered to her sleeping form. "Or just do what makes you happy. If you want to be a birthday clown, go for it. If you want to be an engineer, you have our blessing. But nothing in the world would make Mum happier than if you became a pastry chef."

"Cal!" She sat up, the smile tilting the corners of her mouth up, her eyes wrinkling, genuine happiness for a moment. "Don't fill her heads with lies! I want her to be happy too." She leaned down to whisper to their daughter. "But if you want to be a pastry chef, I won't complain."

She rested her head against his shoulder again, and he kissed her hair. "Our kids are all destined for great things." He whispered to her.

"I know. I can't wait." Yeah, they would get through this, one happy moment and one bump at a time.


End file.
